oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
