we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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