well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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