dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
