Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
