Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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