I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Randomize
