Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
