i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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