I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
