tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just gift wrapped bread.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
