i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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