so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
