i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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