I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
