A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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