turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
