She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
