The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize