i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
