I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
