i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
