I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you never un-have a 4some
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize