how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
