we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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