How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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