he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
