I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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