Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
