Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my shit smells like andre
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
