No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
