im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
