I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
40s are totally the cure
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
