my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize