i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
