If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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