Swine flu is the new snow day.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
