pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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