The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
