Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
