the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
