My underwear smells like fireworks.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize