I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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