I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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