Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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