His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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