We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
