Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
