Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
