Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
