Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
