I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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