Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
