This is not my ceiling
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just forgot I was standing up.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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