a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize