This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
