My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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