now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize