Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
