I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
