My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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